10 Tips for THE WIFE: Fighting with your Husband

The best way to win an argument with your husband is simple: DON’T HAVE ONE. Even if it feels good in the moment think about it, what are you really winning? I am a lawyer—and as such often find myself in the crosshairs– between two adversaries who are determined to duke it out—and I can honestly say that cooler heads do prevail, that those with a long term strategy who really know what it is they want and demonstrate the restraint and long term thinking they need to achieve it, more often than not are successful.  Think about it—your husband is your life partner, the person whose back you’ve chosen to have and who ostensibly will have yours. Will beating him in a ridiculous argument really serve either of you?

It’s been an interesting Twenty-first century exercise listening to the recorded oral history made by Jacqueline Kennedy in 1964 a few short months after the death of her husband, President John F Kennedy. In conversation with esteemed historian, Arthur Schlesinger, Jackie’s mellifluous tones and general attitude remind us of another world, an era in which women wore short white gloves to tea and “happily” deferred to their husbands in all matters of import.  We’ve come a long way in the last fifty years, but perhaps we don’t need to throw the baby out with the bath water.  Think about it, what will besting your man in a verbal onslaught really achieve?  To quote some wise person somewhere: “Do you want to be right or happy?”  In every successful negotiation there is a long-term strategy at play; a desired long-term goal weighed against any short- term victory. What is it that you really want; a short term win or a strong foundation for your life-long partnership? The next time you want to knock his block off or yell at your husband at the top of your lungs, take a moment and think about that and then if you so chose try this laundry list of simple steps; you may not get the momentary satisfaction of telling him off or verbally bringing him to his knees, but I can guarantee you a short-term serenity and a long-term approach that will yield you results which in the angry moment you may not be able to see, so go ahead:

1. Take a long slow breath;
2. Remember that YOU are: beautiful, brilliant and an awesome wife;
3. Force yourself (you must) to think of something or sometime that you have absolutely adored with your husband;
4. Hold that image in your mind’s eye and breath it in, “feel it” if you will;
5. And then open your eyes and smile at that man—your husband who is making you crazy (a great big winning grin will do nicely);
6. You’re on your way—he’ll smile back…
7. Remember everyone loves to be adored, including him;
8. And then think in specific terms of what it is you want him to do, think, stop doing, etc—THINK about it in some detail, “feel it”;
9. Now let it go…..give it up to the universe, truly believing you will get what you want;
10. And then be a little patient and expect positive results…..you will not be disappointed and often times things will play out in positive ways you could never have imagined in that first angry moment.

I know you may think this is odd advice from a lawyer practiced in the art of adversarial discourse, but it works and results is what the successful practice of my profession is all about. Like a diet it takes time, but also like a diet one day after changing your “evil” ways and demonstrating concerted effort toward your goal you are “magically” thinner. And in the same vein, one day if you demonstrate the restraint and kind of thinking it takes to see the bigger picture with your husband, trusting yourself and not getting lost in the smaller issues that over a long life together aren’t so important after all, you will be happier and getting more of what you want than you ever imagined. Try it you have nothing to lose, but a fight you probably never really wanted to have in the first place. –Deborah Skelly is an attorney and published novelist who lives Los Angeles.