The Most Favored Houseguest

Of all of the elements of living the good life that a Gentleman and Lady should master, being a good guest must surely rank at the top of that list. It matters not if you are invited to a tailgate party, church social, summer barbeque, destination wedding, or a country house for the weekend, in your role as the good guest you should be gracious, grateful, considerate and above all entertaining. One of these fundamentals without the other is like driving a car with three wheels. And of all of these entertaining is the most important, particularly for a single Man or Women. If you are able to entertain your host and fit seamlessly into their dinner, event, or household, you will be invited back time and again. When a Man or Women achieves Most-Favored Guest status he or she will have his or her  pick of invitations.

House Guest Rules: 

Summer is fast approaching and in these challenging times it seems people will be much more frugal than in summer’s past. This means more at-home dinner parties and escapes to friend’s places for the weekend. Let’s say you have been lucky enough to be invited for a weekend getaway. We are not talking about some twelve-person frat boy share here. You have received an invitation to a private house with a small party of friends or better yet, to a friend’s parents’ summer house. Being a house guest is a special privilege and you should prepare for this privilege. There are stories of many a house guest whose true colors were revealed during a weekend in the country and whose name suddenly disappeared from the invitation lists of not only his hostess but all of her friends. When you are a house guest, you must be ever vigil and on your best behavior and at all times cognizant that you are in someone’s house, not a hotel and not your parents’ house but in a friend’s place. The rules for social survival are stricter here than those for any of the other scenarios of being a good guest.

Rule One: 

The Respectable Bag. Before you even get in the car or head down to the train station you should pack lightly and carry your things in a presentable bag. No host wants to see you stumbling through her door with loads of luggage or spilling out of plastic trash bags.

Rule Two: 

The Hostess (or Host) Gift. You should bring a small gift for your host whether this is your first visit or your fiftieth. If you don’t have time before you leave or would rather wait to shop while you are there, this is fine. It is nice to present something to your hostess that fits with her style and taste. If you are visiting a married couple you would bring one gift meant for the house.

Rule Three: 

Don’t Act Like a Guest. The most important rule of being a good house guest is never act like a guest. Do not arrive at someone’s house acting as if you have checked into a luxury hotel. No one is there to wait on you, unless of course there is a staff of servants, but this situation is unique (see Tips for Service below). Here are some things to consider while you are soaking up the hospitality. Offer to drive to the liquor store and fill the cabinet with liquors and mixers. Help prepare the dinner, set the table, clean up after and volunteer to do the dishes. Volunteer to make a simple dessert, or if you are worthless in a kitchen, stop by the famous bake shop in town and pick up an apple cobbler and vanilla ice cream.

Rule Four: 

Wear appropriate clothing. Assimilate to the style of your host. Do not come down to breakfast in your boxer shorts. Cover up with a robe or better yet throw on your khakis and a polo shirt. Wash your face and comb you hair while you are at it.

Rule Five: 

Adjust to your host’s schedule. If your host retires early, so do you. If your host rises early, you rise early, unless she specifically tells you otherwise.

Rule Six: 

Know When to Go. Finally and most importantly, be wary of extending your stay. There is an old gift shop plaque I have seen in many a vacation home that says something to the effect, “If by late Sunday afternoon two drinks turn into three and we ask you to stay another night, please disregard this drunken sentiment and stick to your original plan.” The polite host will sometimes offer — and in most cases an extra day is acceptable — but be extra sensitive to her and the household’s mood. If you sense this is just a perfunctory invitation, hop on the next train and keep to your original plan.

The point here should be clear. You should completely alter your schedule, behavior and expectations to that of your host. If you present yourself as entertaining, pleasant and trouble-free you should have a grand old time and head back to your life well-rested while running through the memory of a weekend well spent. Nobody ever said being a house guest was easy, in fact it can be downright draining sometimes, which is why you should refrain from making a habit of it.

Tips for Service
When you are staying with friends who have permanent, live-in household staff in the city, in the country or at the beach it is appropriate to tip these workers for services performed. These staffers have their normal duties of attending to the household plus the added burden of cleaning up after you. Especially if they make your bed, provide fresh towels and present breakfast and lunch every day. At the end of a trip, slide $10 for every day you were there into an envelope with a little note, “Thank you Matilda.” If there is multiple staff you should leave multiple tips (called “vails” in the Middle Ages). Present the tip in separate envelopes to the cook and to the housekeepers. One side note: make this action discreet. SP once made the mistake of offending a hostess when she discovered the tip to her staff. The misunderstanding in her mind was that her staff is taken care of by her and my tip was offensive. To set the record straight, this hostess was misguided. One does indeed tip household staff. SP stumbled by letting the hostess discover the tip in the first place. Hand the envelope directly to the staff or place it under an object that is impossible to miss.

House Guest DO
Offer to help and anticipate your host’s needs
Keep your room clean and the bed made
Offer to replace or repair anything you break, lose or mishandle
Strip the bed when you leave, fold and leave sheets on top of the bedspread

House Guest Don’t
Act like a guest
Don’t invite friends over or be always on the road visiting others than your hosts

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SP also recommends: Hostess gifts can be simple. If you know the host well it is easier to buy something that fits her or his style. If you don’t, here are a few gifts that can’t go wrong: a jar of fancy jam, a leather guest book, monogrammed soaps with your host’s initial, a coffee table book, gardening or cookbook, an ash tray, wine key or bottle opener. Monogrammed paper guest towels or a note pad are always nice. Or an elegant deck of monogrammed playing cards or drink coasters. – Social Primer